Am i or Am i not?

I'm just contemplating this morning while lying on my bed. I can't help to ask myself if i am a great girlfriend or not. Am i any good in handling relationships? Paminsan feeling ko kase hindi ako okay as a gf, sobrang matampuhin ko. Kawawa naman yung boyfriend ko. Pero hindi naman ako nang-aaway kase ayoko talaga ng away. Hindi ko talaga nature magalit. Siguro sensitive lang ako and yun nga matampuhin. Pero pag may tampuhan gusto ko din kagad resolved na. Kaya sinasabi ko kagad pag nagtatampo ako, and then after that, I feel ok na. But still, I keep on thinking if my boyfriend deserves a girlfriend like me. Kase ako nalang lagi nagtatampo or nagseselos. I have never seen him jealous (sabagay wala namang dapat pagselosan) or wala akong maalalang instance na nagtampo siya. Nagalit siguro oo. Hindi ako nagpapakaself-pity ha. Sometimes I just think that I can be a better girlfriend. I can be less sensitive, emotional and all.

True enough I take my relationships seriously because once I entered into one, I consider it always as The One, which I will have for the rest of my life. Diba yun naman dapat. You enter a relationship or a commitment and you do your best to have it worked out and make it last forever. Well I know that would not be always the case, pero yun talaga yung reason why you commit right, kase mahal mo and gusto mo maglast. There's no room for me to play or 'collect and select' as some people say. I know for a fact that my first relationship didn't turn out well, because I was too young then and high school pa lang ako nun, long distance pa and I was really adjusting in college. Sad nga lang, medyo hindi kami friends kase wala ng communication since then. But hey, I would be glad if I would hear from him para friends ulit. The second one I have had was with Karlo. If you saw me that time, you can see me soo happy and full of love. But he was not my destiny, which I thought he would be. We were really sure back then that we are meant for each other. We had plans. Everything was planned accordingly. But sad to say, we were not meant to be. He left the mortal world 2 years ago, June 24, because of those greedy people (oh, they're not people.. they're stupid, ignorant members of Satan's troop ) who didn't mind taking people's lives as long as they satisfy their wants.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that ngayon ko lang talaga natanong sa sarili ko kung ok kaya ako as a girlfriend. Ngayon lang ako napaisip talaga nang ganito. Of course, I have always evaluated myself in my past relationships, but it's just now that I really really have given the thought if I can be any better. May be he doesn't deserve me coz hindi ako marunong maghandle ng relationship ko ngayon, lalo na long distance ulit. Ugghh.. I'm really sorry hal.. He has been patient to me and I guess I'm very lucky, or shall i say, blessed to have him just there, always keep'n up and bearing with me, for my countless complaints and "tampo". Thank you hal.

And I just wanna let my boyfriend know that I'm trying my very best to be a good significant other, and that I love him, really. And I feel bad if he often apologizes to me, because everytime na nag-aapologize sya, feeling ko ang sama-sama ko. Kase parang eto na naman ako, nagtatampo and may nakikitang hindi ako sang-ayon. I think I need to loosen up a bit right? Yeah.. I think so. Kase ako din ang kawawa. And I'm really scared now of being left hanging when I'm still so much in love... Kaya siguro.